Lunchtime
by chalaess
Summary: Random oneshots inspired by conversations between me and my friend, Ally. I hope you like them. They will all be Babe stories. The Status is complete, but I'll add more as I think of them.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except the belief concerning germs and cooties. That is my personal belief, which is where the idea for this fanfic came from.

Cooties

Ranger sat in Vinnie's office, listening to Vinnie drone on and on about some of the higher end skips that Ranger'd just been given. He sort of zoned out, not paying any attention, until he realized that Vinnie had stopped speaking and was, apparently, listening. Ranger soon found out what Vinnie was listening to as, over the receiver for the bug Vinnie had in the outer office, came Lula's voice.

Stephanie's POV

I picked up the doughnut that had fallen off the ground. I looked it over for dirt, then took a bite. As soon as I did, I heard Lula's voice, disgusted. "Why are you eating that? You're going to get sick!"

I swallowed the bite I'd taken and shook my head. "I don't believe in germs. I believe in hair, cooties and spit, none of which are on this doughnut. So, this doughnut is completely sanitary. Plus, even if I _did_ believe in germs, it wouldn't matter. Haven't you ever heard of the five-second rule?"

I took another bite and now turned my attention to Connie as she spoke. "Cooties? What are you? In third grade?"

I shook my head and swallowed that bite as well. "Not like, 'ew! Look, it's a boy!' kind of cooties. There are four kinds of cooties. Sex cooties, death cooties, omnipresent cooties, and spit cooties."

Lula shook her head. "What the heck are all those?"

I smiled, took another bite, which I rapidly swallowed, and then answered. "Sex cooties are after you have sex with someone. For example, when Joe was screwing Terri Gilman on the dining room table three months ago, it put Joe sex cooties on the table, and Terri sex cooties on the table. Death cooties are when someone dies somewhere or their body is there. If I'd killed Joe instead of just breaking his nose and dumping him, there would be death cooties on the table too. Omnipresent cooties are like when someone is always somewhere, and then whenever you are there, you think about them, and you sorta feel like their there, but not really. Like…" I was thinking about Ranger's omnipresent cooties in my bedroom, but I didn't really want to tell Lula and Connie about that. "Like Vinnie's office. There are, I'm sure, a lot of Vinnie omnipresent cooties in there." And a lot of Vinnie sex cooties, along with, I'm sure, some goat sex cooties, but that was just disgusting, so I didn't really want to think about it. "And then spit cooties are what make spit gross. Since I don't believe in germs, spit is practically just water. Except that it is filled with spit cooties, which is what makes it gross."

There was silence for a bit while Lula and Connie just stared at me. Then, Lula spoke. "So why can you live in your apartment? It's full of death cooties."

I thought a moment, then smiled. "Well, see, cooties can battle it out between them." I considered stopping, because I figured I might be on my way to a psychiatric institute, at this rate, but I just forged onward. "Like, there are death cooties there, but there are also sex cooties there. And the sex cooties killed the death cooties." As I said this, I glanced out front, just to check. Nope, Ranger's truck hadn't magically appeared. I definitely would not be comfortable talking about my sex life (or currently, my lack thereof) in front of Ranger.

Silence reigned again. Then Connie spoke. "So, what about when you have sex cooties from two people? Do you just have two kinds of sex cooties?" I looked at her carefully. I couldn't tell if she was actually asking, or if she was mocking me.

Even though I wasn't sure which it was, I answered. "I'm not sure. I think it depends. For example, if someone has two kinds of cooties there, they probably win. Except for spit cooties. Cause spit cooties are sort of in a different class. Spit cooties don't know how to fight, but no one attacks them, so they just sort of stay there for a while. But if someone had sex cooties somewhere, and then they got killed there, and then someone else left sex cooties there, the person who had the sex and the death cooties would win, and so the sex cooties from the other person would go away. But if there were only sex cooties from two different people, maybe the person who you loved more would win." As I'd spoken, I'd periodically stopped to eat my doughnut. Now that it was gone, I sucked the sugar off my fingers.

Now Lula spoke. "So you just have Morelli sex cooties in your house with no one to fight them off? You need to get another man, bring him there, then have sex with him in your apartment and hope his cooties kill Morelli's. Cause Morelli is a scumbag."

"Um." How could I reply to that? Say that Ranger's sex cooties had teamed up with his omnipresent cooties, and they'd already booted Morelli's sex cooties out a long time ago? How about not. I decided to just be vague. "Actually, I already did that, so there aren't any more Morelli cooties in my apartment."

Lula looked over my shoulder, ignoring my last statement. "Like him." She said it so quietly that I barely heard it.

I spun around. Crap! Ranger was standing just outside Vinnie's door, looking at me. "How'd you get here? Where's your truck?"

Ranger started walking towards me. "Out back. I came in the back door for a meeting with Vinnie. We need to talk. Outside."

I didn't really have much of a choice, because he'd reached me and he put a hand on the back of my neck and steered me towards the door. After I'd broken up with Morelli three months ago, Ranger hadn't done much kissing or touching. When he put his hand on the back of my neck like that, it always got a reaction from me, but now, after three months of celibacy, I was now pretty much a pile of goo that was somehow managing to move towards the door.

Somehow, Ranger got me out into the alley and backed me up against the wall without me melting into a little puddle on his shoes. "So, how'd Morelli's cooties get kicked out?"

"Um." I managed to focus on his words instead of the Bulgari and his physical proximity. "Your cooties teamed up on him." He raised an eyebrow and, for some reason, I explained. "Your sex cooties and your omnipresent cooties, they ganged up on Morelli's sex cooties and kicked them out." He grinned and I glared at him, interpreting his expression. "You think I'm crazy."

He laughed. "One of the things I love about you, Babe." He brushed a kiss over my lips.

I pushed him away. "You love me?" Come to think of it, this conversation seemed very familiar.

As though reading my mind (maybe he was), he spoke. "Haven't we been over this before? Yes, I love you Babe."

"There are all kinds of love." Great. Was I reading off a script, or did I just enjoy attempting to replicate conversations exactly?

"That's what you said last time, too." I couldn't interpret his expression, and I wasn't even going to try.

"So your line should have been 'this kind of love doesn't come with a ring.'"

He shook his head. "Nah. I changed my mind. I'd give you a ring if you wanted one."

I froze. I looked at him carefully. His tone had been light and teasing, but the subject matter was not a joking matter at all. Surprisingly, I found myself getting annoyed. "Ranger, would you stop joking around? I love you, and I want to know what's actually going on with us."

I glared at him and was surprised to see that he had a huge, somewhat surprised, smile on his face. "You love me?" Now that sounded familiar, but I'm pretty sure I said it last time.

Before I had a chance to respond with more than a nod, he kissed me. A while later, he pulled back. "So, since your omnipresent cooties already live in my apartment, want to join them?"

I smiled, and then said the only thing that really seemed appropriate. "Babe."

Ranger looked at me in surprise for a second, then started laughing.

A/N: Ok, so the ending is sorta weird, but I've wanted her to say 'Babe' to him for so long. Also, I know it doesn't have the whole 'I'm sorry for saying 'in my own way'' thing, but it seems like that conversation, in which he apologizes for everything obnoxious he's ever done, is the same in every single fanfic ever. So, I've left it out. If you want, you can assume that it happens sometime between this scene and later.


End file.
